fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.
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Breaking news:
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
This is sending me to another galaxy
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
the girlies are turning into genghis khan
Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”
My kitchen overserved me.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
She was REALLY feeling it.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok