My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
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Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.