Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
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My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.
Amazing man. Horrible chef.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting
me: you mean ‘expelled’?
7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
✌🏽
“Please be normal”
“Nope”
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
you stereotypes are all alike
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
My favorite farside!!
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.