Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
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Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
If snakes were wide
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s