@CantWaitToNap: Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@jackiembouvier: I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn't recognize. Go on without me.
@mattbooshell: BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30? CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7 CEO: first of all, promoted
@Aspersioncast: Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they're stabbing it? No? How about now?
@ThePocketJustin: Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.