Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
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I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie