Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
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Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Stupid cow blocking the road. HOW DAIRY!
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.