Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
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TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael
consequences, the bane of my existence
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
it is time once again
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”