Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.

MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.

*does that thing*

Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!

Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!

*three weeks later*

Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!

Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!

*day of that thing*

Me: oh no

Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.

Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?

Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault

Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.

The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?

Where did you come from, where did you go?

Where did you come from

just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe

Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.

Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis

I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle

List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime

Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.

Hard not to take this personally

At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.

I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.

My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.

She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.

Have you tried complaining about it for hours?

Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned

Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.

Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.

Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition

I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.

No weirdos.

I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,

Smiling

You know what’s coming next..

It’s your turn to do the laundry

[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff

So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing

It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house