Fun Fact: Rudolph isn’t on the Epstein flight logs because he flew there himself.
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Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
45% of divorces stem from $ issues.
45% are caused by infidelity.
The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
