Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.

And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.

Donating blood today to make room for more food

Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”

*looking at glass of wine*

*turns off phone*

It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

Deadpool was Green Lantern

Batman was Daredevil

Captain America was Human Torch

And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???

Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.

Yes, this is exactly right

People at work: you’re hilarious,man

Family: you’re really funny

Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know

Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job

Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.

Family: So how did you two meet?

Me: Tinder.

Family: What’s Tinder?

Me: It’s a game site.

I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.

You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.

Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more

Relationship status:

My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.

if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent

My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.

Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.

And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.

[group therapy]

me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?

voldemort: uhh no

joker: yikes

darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you

My warrants are pretty outstanding.

*driving away from a heist*

guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping

I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?

Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.

— an Easter egg

[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?

I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.

“This just in..”

My foot to my mouth.

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I want money.

After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this

Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”

my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music

Me: smells good, what’s cooking?

Wife: bacon

Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg

My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.