Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.

Note to self:

When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”

You might just have to resign…

Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.

HER: I’m breaking up with you..

ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !

Me as a detective:

[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]

[evidence catches on fire]

no no no no

Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible

Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year

My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.

I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.

[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT

You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.

If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.

Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.

Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?

Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!

*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache

CW: *hands me 5 Advil*

Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do

Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.

dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume

“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time

just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams

Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.

I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body

My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo

Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.

I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees

A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.

I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.

If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.

I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.

Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.