fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
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Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
I need a sleep apnea machine, but I have no room in my bedroom. Unless of course I get rid of my movie theater butter pump or my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville blender.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
*me flirting
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun