FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
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3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Karate and loose meat sandwiches.
Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.
All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.