Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.

*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.

Me: do that thing I like

Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.

The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!

If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.

If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.

Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.

I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.

model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”

me:

model UN: also you can only be countries that exist

me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN

Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.

Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.

Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.

Me: No kidding.

My zodiac sign is pistachio

wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭

elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]

As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?

Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.

“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.

No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.

Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie

For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.

I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!

It squashed all of my doubts…

And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.

By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.

Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.

They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”

How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.

For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”

25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:

1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.

2. This is serious, why so many?

3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.

*Tweets funniest tweet ever

*Dies laughing

*Over 6 billion die laughing

*Germany and Russia survive

*Coz nobody left to explain the joke

#parenting

Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.