Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rose: I’ll never let go

Jack: are you sure aboat that lol

Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before

Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo

Rose: maybe you should let go

The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.

hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead

Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herself

Punctuation, it’s THAT important!

Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.

My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?

Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans

*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down

No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.

GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?

ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.

HER: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.

I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂

My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too

FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…

12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!

Sing it!

Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.

No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.

The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.

i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy

me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up

Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.

Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.

[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.

God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami

Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami

God: *loves boats* No

Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.

BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday

[1 a.m. thursday night]

ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped

“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”

-me, drunk, walking into a wall

This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses