Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
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I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
I hate when that happens.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
😂 amazing answer
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.