Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
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Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
How is it still this week?
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind