Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.

Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.

I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.

When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get

“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.

Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?

Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??

My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.

“Do you have a flavor?”

La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”

Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.

“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”

-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport

Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.

when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade

Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.

My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder

So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now

Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.

How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?

There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.

Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?

Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.

Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.

“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”

me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.

them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”

Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.

Comedy booker: how much time can you do?

Me: I have an hour

Comedy booker: there might be children there

Me: I have 7 seconds

Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.

The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.

[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]

At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up

It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.

For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.