Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
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The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?