Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?

Yeah, good times

The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.

Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.

Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.

Worm: What is it?

Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”

Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.

Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.

Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.

[war]

COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat

DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war

[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”

[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”

I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”

Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.

Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.

Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.

[At the Grand Canyon]

Me:

I L o v e T h i s P l a c e

[ECHO]

[ECHO]

GC: Let’s just be friends

5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?

I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy

Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.

[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.

Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*

The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.

*Rubs lamp*

*Nothing happens*

Where’s the genie?

*Takes off lampshade*

What’s wrong with this thing?

ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads

REQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.

A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through

As the best book lists of 2021 drop

Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no

At the disco last night.

They played twist. I did the twist.

They played jump. I jumped.

They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.

Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*

Bouncer: you still can’t go in

Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.

Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.

Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes