Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
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I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Mistakes were made
The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.