Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.

I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.

YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*

ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*

me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens

There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD

1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II

2) Smork Dirtbag

I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.

what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid

Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?

I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.

Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.

When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?

By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.

My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”

I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season

“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy

I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.

Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?

Lawyer:

“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.

“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.

Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”

Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.

*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*

OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!

LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping

Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.

My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?

Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night

Me: You can’t prove that

Taco Bell employee: No we can

Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.

These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.

Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.

Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.