Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again

The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.

Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD

I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

[party]

GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!

ME: Yahtzee!

GUY: That’s not a drinking game.

ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?

[everyone looks at each other]

ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?

Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.

The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look

Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?

Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.

I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.

I call it my trampoline stamp.

Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.

the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever

Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…

Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!

Me: 🙁

My chameleon: 🙂

friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?

wife: we think it’s-

me: snakes. we think it’s snakes

My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.

I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.

We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair

If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.

Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.

Sex in the snow is wintercourse.

Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.

Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.

Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.

I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.

Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty

Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel

Twitter account is my serious account.

The funny one is my bank account.

A duv-egg? In this economy?

Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose

Dear White People,

Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!