Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
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The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?
I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.