Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
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I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?
Beauty and the Beast
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Me: Why are you holding a fork?
Coworker: My toast is caught in the toaster.
Me: STOP!*turns my chair to get a better view
Me: Carry on.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.