Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
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You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever