Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
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Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
First I was a pebble..
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.