Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
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[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.
Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
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Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.