Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
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Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.