Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
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[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Hell yeah 👍
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all