Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
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We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.