Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
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Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Where is your GOD now????
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.