Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
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There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
I ain’t wearing no wire
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.