Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
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Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
White parent Vs Arab parents
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
all the leaves are brown
and this guy is greg
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
They did not think through this water fountain
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.