Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
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This is a bad sign
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Running from your problems is cardio .
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.