Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
You Might Also Like
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
I got a raise! On my meds dosage. But still
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?