Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
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we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
