Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen

*Re-arranges the dishwasher.

Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣

What happens if you fight a dinosaur?

You get Jurasskicked!

*Watching TV*

Hmmm, I should read more

*Turns on subtitles*

It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.

An amish party in the desert called churning man.

Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.

[Voter registration]

Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals

Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”

[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions

Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you

Aw man, but that’s the best part

If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide

HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.

1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED

When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.

My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta

He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.

Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES

math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass

me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?

math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit

me:

math teacher:

me: i don’t- is that going to be enough

Breaking news:

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others

I: and your greatest strength?

Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority

The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.

does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x

I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.

I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.

Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.