Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
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I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion