@natedog2049

Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.

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@flashember

[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*

@envydatropic

I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience

@iAmDelFreaky

Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.

So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.

@AntiSemanticShw

I think the hardest part about being a cashier is telling the girl buying 3 pregnancy tests to “Have a nice day”

@MrSandeepP

This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

@realHamOnWry

I don’t understand people who practice polygamy. Why would anyone want more than one mother-in-law?

@AaronFullerton

“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”