Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
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Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow