Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
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Treat me like a semicolon and use me in all the wrong ways.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
I think the hardest part about being a cashier is telling the girl buying 3 pregnancy tests to “Have a nice day”
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
I don’t understand people who practice polygamy. Why would anyone want more than one mother-in-law?
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.