Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
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there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.