My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
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I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.