Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
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Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
In case you needed to hear it:
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Kid at the reference desk said “How should I decide what job I want to do when I grow up?”
I said “Find out if it makes you work on Saturdays and if it does, don’t do that.”
“Is that important?”
“Right this second it’s literally the most important thing.”
#saturdaylibrarian
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”