Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
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HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
🤣could you imagine
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Siri: Retweet me.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though