Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.

Don’t ruin this for me!

TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.

Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”

He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.

“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.

Blindsided me.

Me: I need to get something off my chest

Him: Here’s a towel

Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.

I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…

5: im so bored

me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen

5: im not very bored though

Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.

Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.

My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .

Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷‍♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial

“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene

Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills

Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.

One day you’re young and fun and the next you’re saying things like, “That’s a pretty building.”

Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner

“love means never having to say you’re sorry”

“that is not what love means”

“sorry”

roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.

Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.

Never seen a man cry like that before.

I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo

COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?

ME: She’s my wife

MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]

I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.

Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise

I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.

we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish

Therapist: What is your greatest fear

Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life

Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*

i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.

No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.

These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought

Hubs: You treat me like a child

Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.

The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.

I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.

Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty