Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”

Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!

I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle

all i want is to be as happy as this potato

An app..

An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.

-Twitters new slogan

Day 4. They suspect nothing.

these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some

would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”

*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”

I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow

A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)

The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin

Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.

[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?

the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun

I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.

White Castle for the Win

morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes

me: they both taste exactly the same

morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?

me: OH MY GOD

Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*

Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?

FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend

Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.

I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.

[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?

Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.

My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.

[neighbourhood watch meeting]

john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.

suzy: omg who could it be?

lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.

million dollar idea: worm dehorser

My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”

………. she’s my 3rd kid.