Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
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Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
the red hot silly peppers
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Welcome to the stomach
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.