Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
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Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Not today.. 😂
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.