Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up

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“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body


To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.


Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.


Son: The landscapers almost hit me with their truck.

Dad: So you’re saying they almost…

Mom: Don’t do it!

Dad: …mowed you down.


People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?


My husband still has my last name as “Tinder” in his phone so don’t tell me romance is dead.


Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.


“Daddy, I-”

*presses button for soundproof backseat divider


*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider


your girlfriend/boyfriend should NOT be your first priority… your first priority should ALWAYS be spider-man


[Water cooler]
-Looks like you had a wild weekend! How’d you get the scratches?
*flash back to me bathing my cat*
-Uh, this chick bro. Yeah.