“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
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To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Son: The landscapers almost hit me with their truck.
Dad: So you’re saying they almost…
Mom: Don’t do it!
Dad: …mowed you down.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
My husband still has my last name as “Tinder” in his phone so don’t tell me romance is dead.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
your girlfriend/boyfriend should NOT be your first priority… your first priority should ALWAYS be spider-man
-Looks like you had a wild weekend! How’d you get the scratches?
*flash back to me bathing my cat*
-Uh, this chick bro. Yeah.