@JPLFR80

Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up

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@WilliamAder

“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body

@SuchaDumbWorld

To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.

@gitson_shiggles

Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.

@gruffybeard

Son: The landscapers almost hit me with their truck.

Dad: So you’re saying they almost…

Mom: Don’t do it!

Dad: …mowed you down.

@LostFelicia

People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?

@SavageAphrodite

My husband still has my last name as “Tinder” in his phone so don’t tell me romance is dead.

@UnFitz

Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.

@Brianhopecomedy

“Daddy, I-”

*presses button for soundproof backseat divider

Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”

*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider

@incorrectmarvel

your girlfriend/boyfriend should NOT be your first priority… your first priority should ALWAYS be spider-man

@Dr_awfulpants

[Water cooler]
-Looks like you had a wild weekend! How’d you get the scratches?
*flash back to me bathing my cat*
-Uh, this chick bro. Yeah.