Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
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Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.