Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up

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ME: you look great tonight

DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime

ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here


The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.


{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.


Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.


*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*

“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic*

*stunned whale crowd loses it*


My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water


Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”


Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…

Me: YES!


Every episode of my life starts with a short recap and the voice over says “Previously on wasted potential…”