Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*

HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*

ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*

Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.

I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.

If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )

[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…

angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower

me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber

coworker: what adorable costumes!

me: costumes?

What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.

The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:

– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us

The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.

“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.

It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.

Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?

Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.

F: Why not?

Me: He gets really mad.

Pro Tip: If you order two drinks at McDonald’s, they’ll think you’re sharing all that food with another person.

Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”

ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them

My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.

When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.

Me: Have fun on your date.

Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?

Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?

Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.

Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.

A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?

I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.

I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her

Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.

If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.

[first day as astronaut]

*vomits

Me: That’s normal, right?

Instructor: Not during a written exam, no

Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.

Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?

LOL

[being buried alive]

murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly

Understand men, or die trying.

Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.

Or tweet trying, to understand men.