Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
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“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
my favorite gender
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Twitter remains undefeated
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century