Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
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Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.