FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
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[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
that lettuce in your fridge is now a souvenir
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier