Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”

A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.

[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!

Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.

What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?

I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?

Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.

Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.

m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun

PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.

*pronounces surface like Versace*

nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town

“Omg, I know where that is!!”

“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”

No, it’s literally 2 syllables

husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking

Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide

People: lol nah

Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL

Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.

I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.

[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!

Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter

Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is

Boss: …

[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak

My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.

This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad

Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.

When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire

Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.

Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.

I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.

If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.

“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!

I need to know what happened here in 1620.