Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over

I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.

Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done

Also I have no idea how tampons work

[canadians at you, canadianly]

I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.

You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.

But it was nice of you.

People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud

I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.

“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple

using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me

We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.

If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills

Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.

A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is

I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.

What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?

Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.

Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles

I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?

Awesome parenting 😂

DATE: I love heavy metal

ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium

if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do

Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.

*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*

I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.

son: can I ask you a random question?

me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?

waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?

me: umm on a grill?

waiter: no how would you like it served?

me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please

If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”

Me: *nods in agreement

Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about