Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.

Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki

Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.

#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.

I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler

[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out

I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.

My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.

Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.

Vader: Join the dark side!

Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?

Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.

Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!

THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening

Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.

I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”

Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.

Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…

Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.

My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.

i’ve decided to handle this like a mature adult…i’m telling your mom

I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.

‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.

Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo

Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.

ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor

FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?

ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer

A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.

I can’t be the only one 😂

Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History

2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.