Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two words: Egg Newtons™

Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.

Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.

Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein

The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone

The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party

Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.

the pigeons are already plenty salty

Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.

Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?

“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.

😭😭

Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?

*E=mcHammer

*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched

Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.

they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome

Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]

First Date RED FLAGS:

He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on

“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer

Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.

How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?

good news everyone

When I was a kid I assumed all Christmas songs were about Jesus because that was all I was exposed to so everytime I heard Last Christmas I was like…why would Jesus do that

Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.

My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭

My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”

no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe

Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.

[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.

I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today

gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die