Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.

I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean

Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.

If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.

[at park, walking puppy]

Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’

Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’

Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.

I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.

if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance

Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*

Noah: nope.

I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.

Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free

Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?

i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me

Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?

You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it

cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)

I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.

[coffee shop]

ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]

CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?

ME: No it’s a flyer

Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…

.

.

.

.

.

.

He won’t go near the crypt tonight.

My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me

All excellent questions

2024 has been a rough few years

My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.

My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea

It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.

[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.

Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling

I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.