Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006

When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.

my dog when i have a friend over

(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang

ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing

I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming

My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?

Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.

[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.

[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.

pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet

A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.

I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.

You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.

“Are you on Facebook?”

“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)

Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.

I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache

Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”

WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!

Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.

[blood donor clinic]

dracula: can i order a pint please?

Ad placement of the day

#ooh

Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.

Me: Oh, because of the virus?

Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.

There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.

[things I worry about on vacation]

1) Getting eaten by a shark

2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny

Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg

Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.

I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.

Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die

6: I hate corona virus!

Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.

6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!

Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.

Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?

I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.