Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.

My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t

Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]

Me: wait—

Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]

Me: wtf

Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE

click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever

4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff

Me: But you don’t have any more money

4: That’s okay, we can use your money

MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too

I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.

I saw this ending much differently.

The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd

No one:

Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:

[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep

I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

[walks date home]

HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?

ME: I gotta work early

HER: I have 2 dogs

ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]

Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”

HIM: I love reading big novels.

ME: No kidding, so do I!

*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*

earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends

Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.

When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.

I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.

Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit

[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out

If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.

High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can

Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.

<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.

My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.

Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.

Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.

Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.

I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.