Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean

If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.

CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?

My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat

Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.

*phone rings*

Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’

Me: ‘Could you do it?’

Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.

Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?

Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.

Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.

In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.

A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”

A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”

Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.

December has 5 Saturdays.

FIVE.

That November salary will be fighting for its life.

“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)

20’s: need to look cool when I go out

30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out

40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out

50’s: I don’t need to go out

Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.

Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday

Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”

Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

The neighbor is having an open home

How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?

why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays

Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.

If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office

I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.

When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.

I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.

*feels the wind in my toe hair

My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”

Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”