Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”

Me: Im still mad at you for last night

Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous

Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.

Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.

Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.

Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.

They should develop AI that can translate bird calls.
Call it ChatCheepyT

Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.

Waitress: Is everything ok?

Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?

Allow me to slip into something more out the window.

Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave

That’s what I call a flat tire

Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!

Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair

[Commercial]

*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*

Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”

[On Screen Caption]

TEETH

7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭

Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works

Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.

I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers

I opened a pistachio once…

Worst 37 minutes of my life.

It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”

You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?

I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…

…or a giant gorilla.

~Super Mario’s mom probably

I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”

All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss

Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.

3-year-old: OK

*breaks into song*

*turns on every talking toy*

*detonates fireworks*

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void

Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.

Did you even think about that??

*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble

(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)

There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.

Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski