Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.

They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!

-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale

wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat

“You drive, I’m tired.”

[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”

PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever

DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????

Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.

[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.

me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad

6: what happened?!

me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point

I texted my ex,

I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.

War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.

[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.

My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder

twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff

The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.

Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.

her: [during sex] call me names

me: [panicking] optimus prime

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.

Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?

Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.

I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen

I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?

*plugs in Xmas lights*

Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.

Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”

Happy, happy holidays.

At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.

Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.

Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)

I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.