Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.

Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us

never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this

*puts on headphones

*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”

*downs energy drink

*laces up Nikes

*runs out into 13° weather

*runs back inside

*Naps

Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).

Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.

JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.

I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one

In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.

When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?

“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife

[running into my ex]

Ex: omg it’s you

Me: yeah

Ex: we should exchange numbers

Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea

Ex: you backed into my car though

Me: look we’ve both moved on

I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.

My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face

*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*

I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.

Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!

Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.

If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!

How loud can you talk?

-Alcohol

Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell

Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife

Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds

My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce

police: put ur hands behind ur back

me: are u mad at me

One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.

I think about that a lot.

[Zoo, bird show]

“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”

*bird headbutts window 50 times*

Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.

Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!

It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.

“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”

[first date]

date: i’m an optimist

me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before

Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas

Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now

I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.