Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.

Me: Nachos.

Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.

Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?

*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*

*Creates a soulmate*

if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point

“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel

doctor: can you describe the pain?

me: i have a knife sticking into me

doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain

me: sharp

doctor: like a knife?

me: yes, exactly that

doctor: *proudly* its my first day

I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.

“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo

All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner

me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?

Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.

It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.

ME: *lying on deathbed*

DEATH: get off my bed

And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?

If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van

if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face

KFC hitting the cannibal market

[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle

My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.

I’ve never related to anyone less.

There are 3 types of people:

1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people

I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.

I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.

New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.

Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?

Judas:

[commercial for mops]

*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*

“There has to be a better way”

Narrator:MOPS

Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.

If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code

*i put two straws in my drink*

gf: awhh 🙂

me: hell ya double barrel

*i use both straws*

“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*

when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one