Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@theshantilly

I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.

@armenianhbilly

A fat racist and a skinny racist jump off a cliff. Who wins? Society

@TheToddWilliams

ME: *playing the piano*

WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh

ME: Why thank you, honey

{three days later}

ME: Wait a second

@StellaRtwot

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

@notacroc

[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars

@juneohara65

Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”

@twilightsthorn

shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me

@SuitableHolmes

Do you know where my mexican hat is?

– It’s somewhere bro..

Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?

@Danny_McH2O

It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.

@shopkins776

Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now