Jesus: *turns water into wine*
Me: *turns a steak into a cheesesteak*
Jesus: *whispering under his breath* holy shit
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
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BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
I learned 2 things at least when I was married
1. Always passcode lock your phone
2. Don’t use a nude pic of your gf as the lock screen
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Me to Dr: I have no energy lately.
Dr: you need to exercise more
Me: Let’s start this again.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat