Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Top of the ramen to ya, laddies

ME: You have a beautiful home.

HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.

me: I’m going to the store to get bread

wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen

[later]

wife: did they have eggs?

me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes

After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.

do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam

My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over

My husband not so much so

Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?

2020: Haha you have no idea.

I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.

Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.

Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.

My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.

DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”

ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”

Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!

The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.

Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”

[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.

So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.

*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE

3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.

Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.

Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.

I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.

878 dead bodies lay there.

Liam Nesson “Are we done?”

Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”

I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.

Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.

Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.

Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry