Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
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nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Mummies are just super modest zombies
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Them: There are no stupid questions
Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?
Them: There is one stupid question
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.