Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear microwave companies,

Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?

Sincerely,
Everyone

sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”

Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.

You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.

ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time

HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office

Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.

BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats

My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.

The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.

Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.

A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is

“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.

Parenting’s First Law of Physics:

An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.

4-year-old: Are goats real?

Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.

4: *runs away*

Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”

ashley: hey

ashleigh: heigh

Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?

Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day

lmaaaaaooooooooo

I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing

Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.

Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?

I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.

I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.

Topic: Excited about mustard!

MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?

InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄

[speed dating]

Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”

Her: “Face…”

Me: “Have a nice life.”

me: im depressed

therapist: try a good walk

me: will that work

therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*

You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”

At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.

“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”

– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.

Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.

Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting