Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.

After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.

Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?

*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*

H- Are you waving at the ground?

Me-Yes to both

[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute

My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.

*all the animals gathered around Adam*

Lion: Tell us again how you named us

Deer: Yes tell us tell us!

Adam: Well I-

Lumpsucker fish: boooo

Adam: I just-

Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO

Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this

New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.

8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”

A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.

Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.

– a short history of responsibility

Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.

Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.

If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.

[at home]

ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed

me: well..what’s the problem

ac repair guy: just shit in the filter

me: wait..to fix it??

I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃

Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.

My parents just called.

M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.

ME: You should watch it from the beginning?

M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.

ME: Okay.

M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?

The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity

Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?

Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”

Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?

Me: 100%

them: where do you see yourself in five years

me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture

Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?

Pharaoh: i actually love this

I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.

Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”

If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.

Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.

Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-

Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?

I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.